Content Marketing, Ecommerce and Retail, , Marketing & Sales Videos, Mobile and Tablet Marketing, Search Marketing, , Technology

75 New Year’s Internet Resolutions 2011

It’s time for year-end rant. This year gave us a lot to be upset about… with continued domination of a few huge companies down to unacceptable social media behavior.

Here are some things that really bug me, so let’s fix these so they don’t happen in 2011:

  1. STOP SCREAMING. As tempted as you are, keep your fingers off the CAPS LOCK.
  2. If I unsubscribe from your email, don’t send a confirmation email to me.egg-2011.png
  3. Replace the picture of the egg with a real picture of you on Twitter. It’s been 3 months and 2 Tweets already.
  4. Don’t send resumes. Don’t even make a resume. We’ve had LinkedIn for 8 years now, use it.
  5. If you can’t fit it in 140 characters, email me.
  6. If I can’t read your email in 2 seconds, call me.
  7. Leave a message, I’ll email you back.
  8. Oversharing! We’re seeing WAY too much of it nowadays. From Carissa Newton.
  9. Apple: Invent screens that don’t need wiped clean or start putting keyboards back on your devices.
  10. Stop emailing me back and forth for times to schedule a meeting. Use my Tungle!
  11. Stop using old photos as avatars, we both know you don’t look like that anymore. When we meet in person I’m either going to not recognize you or I’m going to wonder why I’m talking to my follower’s Mom. It’s okay, I’m fat and ugly now, too.
  12. Stop the duckface. Whenever you see a friend using it, you should mock them in public. They will thank you in 2 years when they figure out how stupid they looked.
  13. Hey Google… if you hadn’t noticed, the SEO industry is the fastest growing industry in Marketing. That might mean there’s something wrong with your algorithm because companies are investing millions to manipulate it. Quit ignoring it.
  14. If you decide to open a store for geeks, make sure you stock 2XL through 5XL shirts. We didn’t get these bodies from P90X, we got them from blogging.
  15. Stop making me login to your site to unsubscribe. You and I both know that I lost the password 4 years ago when I signed up. I haven’t visited your site since – sending emails every week isn’t going to help.
  16. Someone please make a WYSIWYG text editor that actually works well. If HTML5 can add Video, why can’t we have a native editor?
  17. Stop making commitments online to help someone or promote something with no follow-through. From Amy Stark.
  18. Please tell the government, any government, to stop trying to mess with the Internet. It’s the only thing that actually works anymore – because governments haven’t touched it.
  19. Understand that if you put an ad in front of me with a Skip It link, I just skipped the ad and your publication.
  20. Quit telling me about your iPhone App. No one cares, we all have Droids.
  21. Remove poking, Facebook… it’s just plain creepy.
  22. Stop evaluating companies in the billions when they’re a few years old and not even making a profit. They aren’t worth it, nobody should pay it. And if they do offer you $6 billion, don’t be an idiot and refuse the offer.
  23. Instead of hiring someone to talk about how great your software is, do us all a favor and fix the damn software instead. You got a great pic with the lead singer backstage, we’re still trying to work around that script error that’s been there for 4 years. Not fair.
  24. My daughter has asked that I stop commenting on her Facebook page and threatening the guys that try to hit on her. I’ll have to think about it. I thought about it… nope.
  25. Quit judging companies by their CEO in ripped jeans and a cowboy hat, cool office space, user growth, or VC money… we already did that in the 90’s and it didn’t work. Start judging companies by how soon users will jump ship when the next cool guy in ripped jeans and a cowboy hat comes along.
  26. Keep sending bloggers like me free toys so we can act pretentious, important, and continue to define ourselves as influencers. IPads welcome:

    Douglas Karr
    c/o DK New Media
    120 E Market St, Suite 940
    Indianapolis, IN 46204.

  27. Some people stopped reading on the Net. Start a podcast, do a video… use different mediums to reach different audiences.
  28. Search professionals – quit telling everyone that social sucks and they should spend all their money in search.
  29. Social Media professionals – quit telling everyone that search sucks and they should spend all their money in social.
  30. You website serves three purposes: Retention, Upselling and Acquisition. You forgot at least one of them, didn’t you?
  31. Your company has offices that cost ten times more than your website. No one asked what the return on investment was going to be on the leather couch, quit asking with your online office. Spend the money, look professional, you’ll get more attention – I promise.
  32. Stop talking about how many pageviews you’re getting. Business is measured in dollars and cents. If you’re not getting paying customers, your strategy is broken.
  33. Stop trying to be #1 for the hardest keyword when there are hundreds of more relevant keywords that would drive business to your company.
  34. Stop trying to rank internationally when your customer-base is within 25 miles of your office. No one in Maui cares about your lunch specials (unless you’re in Maui).
  35. No, the application you’re about to invest in won’t do it all. It probably won’t even do what the salesperson said it would. And the features promised in the next release? They’re not coming, either.
  36. Stick with what you’re comfortable with, hire consultants with proven experience to help you master the rest.
  37. Would someone please buy Yahoo! already?!
  38. If you email me and I don’t respond, please don’t send me a tweet, a Facebook message, a text message and open a chat window with me. I didn’t respond because I’m working on priorities… and you weren’t one of them (today).
  39. Facebook developers… can you just leave the fricken interface alone for a couple weeks. Please?
  40. danica-godaddy.pngYou make fun of people who go to Hooters, but you’ll buy domains from GoDaddy? Really?
  41. If you’re beyond Version 1, you’re not beta anymore. Quit trying to give your crappy developers excuses for broken crap.
  42. Your online marketing is not a project, it’s a budget that requires ongoing maintenance, optimization, and upgrading. Add it to the 2011 budget and ensure you can measure the return on the investment.
  43. Maybe you’re just not good at social media.
  44. Step away from the Flash. It was cool while it lasted… leave it for the cartoonists and game developers. Everything else should be HTML5, Ajax, and CSS. (@jenniedwards forwarded me a great article on HTML versus Flash.)
  45. Stop judging me by how many fans and followers I have. You’re driving me nuts trying to keep up.
  46. If one of your favorite bloggers, who has helped you hone your craft for years, comes out with a book. Go buy it – it’s the least you can do. 😉
  47. Are we all seriously planning to attend SXSW to party and lose a week’s worth of productivity?
  48. If you’re a great journalist, stop supporting your media giant and come out here and make your own money writing, reporting and doing it without some old editor or publisher tearing your content apart. If they were good at it, their industry wouldn’t be going down the toilet.
  49. Social media and online marketing consultants aren’t Amish. If you can afford it, pay them… if you don’t make it back, fire them. A cup of coffee traded for sound advice doesn’t pay the rent.
  50. Search engine optimization requires a site hierarchy, page design, content optimization and off-site promotion. If you’re not getting all of those, you haven’t really hired an SEO expert.
  51. If you’re doing business in social media, are you providing a clear path for your network to take to actually do business with you? (ie. Call to Action, Landing Page, Form, etc.)
  52. BieberJustin Bieber: Your 15 minutes of fame was up 8 months ago. Go away… and comb your hair the right way.
  53. A ton of people are reading your site on a mobile device. Does your site even work on a mobile device? Is it optimized for iPhone, iPad, Droid and Blackberry?
  54. If you haven’t created something, stop busting everyone’s balls by criticizing what they’ve accomplished.
  55. Stop making your web designers make things work in Internet Explorer 6. Not only are you supporting a broken, insecure browser, you’re also contributing to alcoholism and suicide rates.
  56. Yes, as a matter of fact I am/was/will be busy.
  57. Don’t give people a hard time about automating and syndicating their content. They have a staff of 3 and have 50,000 readers… give ’em a break!
  58. Dad, please stop sending me right-wing conspiracy emails that were debunked 7 years ago on Snopes. The NSFW photos of beautiful women are still okay, though. Love Your Son, Doug.
  59. If you’re still using popover/popunder windows with advertising, we understand that you’re desperate and can’t make money online. Go sell phonebooks.
  60. Stop asking me to be your friend on Foursquare when you don’t live on the same continent and I don’t know you.
  61. Google, please put an API on Webmasters so we can track our rank on any keyword. We’re doing it anyways with tools we know you don’t like. Get over it.
  62. It’s no longer cool to pull an iPhone 4 out at a meeting. Now Droids have the same apps AND they can actually complete a phone call. You need an iPad now to look cool at the lunch meeting. (Please refer to #26)
  63. Twitter, please allow us to put Analytics on our page and our own campaign codes on any inbound links to a set of domains with your service. Businesses will pay handsomely for this so they can measure true ROI across both apps and the web referrals from Twitter.
  64. To all software developers. Just because almost everything can autoupdate nowadays, shouldn’t mean that you release a new version every 16 hours.
  65. Microsoft: Please block all companies from using Bing or Microsoft.com as well as all installation and upgrade packages of Microsoft products when they don’t have the latest version of Internet Explorer running. (With exception of the Internet Explorer upgrade page.)
  66. All website developers: Please block all versions of Internet Explorer less than version 8 and provide a link where they can download Chrome, Firefox, Safari or even Opera. Anything is an improvement.
  67. Apple: Stop messing around and put a camera in the iPad already. Quit milking upgrade sales.
  68. Stop calling people online that do a great job Rock Stars. They aren’t Rock Stars.
  69. Foursquare: Whatever method Gowalla is using to find the nearest location, please steal the idea. I’m sick of searching on your app.
  70. We know it seems logical… you send 1 email and you get a great response. Bombarding us with 26 more emails isn’t going to get you 26 times the response rate. I promise.
  71. ChaChaQuit talking smack about your 3 year-old opinion of ChaCha. We’ve turned it into the fastest growing site on the Internet. Plus Scott and his team are really great folks to work with.
  72. Google: Stop giving away Google Analytics for free. No one uses it properly anymore, and you’ve devalued the return on investment that a real analytics company could provide.
  73. If you have to register for your community in order to get support, then touting the growth of your community in your marketing gives a mixed message. But give your marketing department a raise anyways, that’s pretty cool spin.
  74. Stop talking so much about how great some companies are doing because of social media. They were great before social media!
  75. There’s no easy fix marketers. We have more mediums, less time, pickier consumers, and demanding bosses. It’s a marathon not a sprint. Get to work and quit reading this crap.

2 Comments

  1. 1

    Lots of useful thoughts here, huh. Well, I know for a fact that my reply here is quite late here but I want you to know that I was entertained by this post and it gives me a lot of new ideas to start with. That’s a huge internet resolutions this 2011.

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